To whomever it may concern,
If you’re in my life right now – if you’re close to me and genuinely enjoy my company, I want to apologise in advance. You see, I’m not always going to be the ‘me’ that you know and love.
I have clinical depression, anxiety, and bipolar. AKA: a dangerous cocktail of a whole lot of mood swings without much warning.
“You’re different these days,” you’ll mention out of nowhere over a cup of tea. An all-too familiar memory, as vivid as ever. I’m not a fortune teller, but I know you’ll say something like this. I’ve heard it several times before, and I’m not sure what to do about it. I promise, I’m trying to be myself, but I’m starting to wonder if to ‘be myself’ means to embrace myself when I’m hysterical and maybe even when I’m depressed, or if I should keep trying to leave that out for the sake of not inconveniencing anybody. However, if I did the former, your question might just be followed shortly by,
“Are you faking it?”, “What do you really feel?” and the one that I get asked most often, “What do you even have to be this sad about?”
The answers to those are:-
- I feel however I feel in the moment. Maybe sombre, maybe ecstatic, or anything in between. It depends.
- I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that either makes it hard for my endorphins to work, or makes them work too hard. I think that’s the gist of it? Sometimes I’m aware of my mind working twice as hard, and it tries me out twice as quickly.
I will tell you more about the way I’ve observed my mind and body to work if need be. I’ve tried to study the patterns and indicators that tell me I’m about to, as my doctor puts it, have an episode. I try to avoid it as much as possible. I’m on medication to balance out my brain chemistry, but unfortunately, my mental illnesses still make me difficult to love sometimes.
If you’ve ever realised that, I’m truly sorry. And if you’re yet to witness it, I’m sorry in advance.
I overthink, I jump to irrational conclusions, I self-isolate, and I tend to get incredibly weepy, often over very little. I once sobbed my heart out over a pigeon that was missing a foot, before hysterically laughing at a joke minutes later. It gets tiring.
If you’ve seen this and continue to love me, I’m thankful. I promise to be loyal, honest, loving, and to care for you unconditionally too.